We all have voice and choice and I grew up learning to take responsibility for all of my actions. I would like to empower you to feel the same. With Argentine tango we are faced with a lot of variables that can impact a single person as well as a community. Tango communities are infused with a variety of personalities and backgrounds and it originated this way. However, before it became hugely popular worldwide, we have to recognize that it had time to gain some momentum in a culture that was heavily based on formalities, family structures, and “the proper way to do things.”
Eso no se hace
I have an interview with an elder milonguero from 1999 where he repeated often the phrase: “eso no se hace”, translates as, “this/that is not done.” And there were several things that were not done with regards to Argentine Tango and the social dance space.
But tango took the world by storm and now it’s amazing that you can dance practically everywhere, regardless of the language you speak. And for the most part people seem to understand what is done and what is not done. Of course, there are always exceptions. And gratefully or not, the community rises up to defend, to hold the mirror, and sometimes publicly berate or even humiliate offenders.
When I Taught Beginners
When I teach beginners I have a class that is special, dedicated just to the embrace and it often spokes into conversations about etiquette and social norms, which then naturally becomes another great class.
While at the University, on my syllabus was a statement about how the course included touch – human contact – and on the first day I’d read the syllabus and bring special attention to this topic.
“Please note, and if you haven’t been listening yet, I ask that you listen NOW. Argentine Tango is a contact sport.”
This usually got their attention!
“If you do not want to be touched you say so.”
And I would comment that we would explain this further during the semester.
Throughout my classes, I always empower the Followers to have a voice and to have a choice. I empowered my Leaders to be clear in their intention, clear in their embrace, and that they too have a voice and choice. I explain what is acceptable and what is not.
When teaching workshops or teaching short courses where students may have started elsewhere, I also make clear that we have voice and choice regarding our boundaries.
I always say, if you wouldn’t flirt with that person in a bar, then don’t in tango. If something doesn’t feel right, leave or open your mouth and say so.
Speak, please, I can’t hear you
But what is bothering me now, more than ever, is that women are not using their voices. Or if they are, they are wounding people in the process and the ripple effects are impactful in a community.
I always told my young students to lead by example. Don’t look at what the others are doing, that might look like “bad behavior” to them, but to BE the example, to BE the best dancers and people they can be in their community.
Call to Teachers and Organizers
I want to strongly encourage teachers and organizers to set the standard. If people, male or female did not learn from their family of origin how to behave, how to declare clear boundaries, how to have clear intentions, how to open their mouths then we have to do that. We can provide support, give people language to use, and again, lead by example. What is proper behavior?
But this blog isn’t about etiquette and “what I claim to be proper behavior”, it is about encouraging more communication. If I have a problem with YOU then I need to take responsibility to address it with you. And there are, of course, lots of gray areas here. I do see that….
And conversely if I think I might have offended you I want to take responsibility to address that as well.
Please ask for help, find your words, take responsibility. In one of Alison Armstrong’s books she has one of her character’s make a list of what is and is not acceptable for a first date, for example. What a great exercise! We can do this for almost any circumstance. And then you are clear to say, “please don’t xyzxyz, I’m not comfortable with that.”
Intention
I have discussed and written on the topic of intention in the past. And I deeply encourage people to be clear and honest with themselves about their intention. A neutral touch is very different than a passionate touch. A malicious grabbing hand is very different than a playful nudging hand. And of course the intention can sometimes be very different than the interpretation.
Some good advice came from a fellow dancer many years ago, “what happens on the dance floor, stays on the dance floor.” It’s a good policy and if you are aware of this and a partner begins to stray, you can always use your voice. Because we know that sometimes we feel sexy on the dance floor, we feel intoxicated, we feel like we just fell deeply in love, we feel deeply cared for, that’s all real! But it is happening on the dance floor under those agreements. And quite frankly, THE END! For it to pass further, and we know it does, I would hope that 2 adults would be consensual and in agreement about what happens afterwards.
I want to advocate for methods of communication, self-respect and support for Men and Women, leaders and followers, in this complicated world and sometimes complicated dance!
I want to continue to use the framework of tango to empower people in roles in a world where there are no clear roles – because we have choices! And here we are again – We have a choice.
And as always, Daniela is available for private lessons and consultations live or via video.
Take control of your dancing and your experience!