Leading like a girl! But don’t judge me yet!

Leading like a girl, sounds like it might be insulting. But with all the ladies who are now leading and those wanting to lead, what does it mean to lead like a girl?

For many years my former partner and I would comment on women leaders on the social dance floor, “she leads like a girl”. And I remember remarking to another leading lady colleague many years ago, “what does it mean, or look like even, to really lead like a woman?”

I know that in the social dance world of tango, at the milonga, it is not really about performing for others, and yet, how do you get your next dances if not by being watched by others or looking at others? I know I look at the embraces: how does each person look in that embrace – happy? Comfortable? I am watching musical interpretation; I am watching social functionality, as in, is that partner dancing safely? No crashes? There are many things to look at.

So “leading like a girl” came to mean someone who didn’t look very powerful on the dance floor, who looked small, rather weak, a little uncomfortable. I equated it to, yes, females tend to be smaller in their shoulder girdles than many men so their embraces looked narrow and rather uncomfortable; their legs often spread widely to offer a greater base of support to maneuver a follower who might not be “holding her own” in the partnership.

I didn’t like judging these ladies who daringly chose to lead in the milonga but yet, I looked at them and thought I wouldn’t want to be lead by them. Thus, “leading like a girl”.

Then a wave of ladies starting to arise, who looked powerfully grounded in their leading, They looked comfortable and fun to watch. And one very petite Asian woman surpassed my expectation by leading “just like a man”. The first time I saw her, I thought it was a young man.

Before you, dear reader, get too down on me for the gender stereotypes, I really began to question how I would like to express myself as a lead dancing. I loved watching the Asian woman. I loved that she was a woman, that she was musically playful, that she was elegant, that she appeared strong yet not overpowering, that she was well-connected to her partner. And well, she dressed like a man.

So what would it look like to lead like a woman? to look enticing, to want to be danced with? To really come from a place of dancing, versus a place of other possibly manipulative tactics (to get dances)? A place where so many of the feminine roleplaying could be optioned to be left aside: manipulations, mothering, seducing, controlling.
Or maybe the roleplay is helpful in our tango life regardless of the lead or follow.

Another amazing lady lead surfaced who really embraces herself in the lead, she morphs with her partners between lead and follow, wearing flowing pants, dancing powerfully, combining movements so the performances look more like pieces of art than tango. She is powerful, grounded, musical, clever, clear, and I think, I’d love to be lead by her!

I know there are probably several reasons to lead as a woman. And I know the most likely you are thinking of is because there aren’t enough leads out there.

I started to lead because I was a dancer. The physicality drew me to leading, not because of necessity or because I thought I’d be a teacher, it was shear movement curiosity. It was the epitome of embodying a movement physicality so different than following on some level and yet so similar. A true yin yang, a true dialogue of opening space, giving and receiving time, listening, an exploration in negotiation. And I wanted to do it well but really had no measurement of the quality of what I was doing, except for when follower’s enjoyed dancing with me. And is that enough?

But I am sure I still lead like a girl! Probably what those followers are enjoying is that I am receptive to what they have experienced with inexperienced leaders. I enjoy leading sometimes. When I am in true partnership with my follower, which for me is a follower who is listening to the music and dancing with me, it’s great fun! I have a few favorite lady leads in the world, with whom I really feel like I am dancing and I’d like to be a leader who can offer that same experience. But it is a co-creation now isn’t it?

As I wrote this blog over and over again over the course of many years actually, I also contemplated a bigger issue: Lady Leadership in the world in general, which I think has a lot to do with leading in tango. How NOT to lead like a “man” but to really embrace leadership as a woman, from all that is divinely lusciously feminine, a true role model for leadership from the feminine. Possibly a topic for another controversial blog.

So where does this leave us? There is no rush to learn to lead. Are you allowing the community to dictate what you want out of tango? Or are you really choosing to do something because you want to?

There are so many things to learn and to understand in the follower’s role. In discussing this blog with a colleague, the idea surfaced that if the follower is unfamiliar with the music and she dives into leading because she is upset with not getting enough dances at milongas, how does she think her leading is going to be when she doesn’t have a grasp of the music from even the follower’s perspective?

But one day, sometime soon, “Leading Like a Girl”(TM), will be a true compliment and will be on T-shirts everywhere!!!!

Such a journey our tango life is. Enjoy the ride! Your path is yours.

Thoughts on leading like a girl?