In tango (along with a bunch of other codes – codigos) there are 3 top reasons to use the phrase Thank you in the milonga setting.
Saying Thank You is considered a code of conduct in Argentine Tango but maybe not in the way you think. If things are “not going well” on the dance floor a polite Thank You and then walking off the floor can be used.
Before I define “not going well”, I just want to say that I have seen and heard from women who have endured dances where they wished they had used the “thank you”. They either did not know about using “thank you”, they made excuses for the dance, i.e. “maybe it’s me?”, or they were just in shock. Thank you is not gender biased or role biased, I have witnessed an argentine man in a small venue politely escorting a woman back to her table saying to whomever was in earshot “she does not know how to milonga”. Then looking at her and saying, “Thank you.”
Here we begin.
Reason #1
To use “Thank you” on the dance floor.
Call it a bad dance or a dancer who really doesn’t know how to dance tango. We could argue this subjectivity of a “bad” dance but as in the example above, she knew some tango but her milonga was just not enough for this older milonguero. I always say, “you have to dance to what is in your embrace”. Which to me means, if you want to have a good time, you have to connect at the level of the person in your embrace, the end. AND if the person in your embrace does not know how to milonga, (for example) then maybe a thank you spares both of you 6+minutes of embarrassment and still saves the two of you for future tangos maybe or at a minimum seeing each other at the next milonga!!!
Reason #2
The Dangerous Dancer
I was visiting a smallish community recently. There were maybe 20 -30 people at this particular milonga and not too many more in this community overall. And the ratio of dancers is many women to men. A woman was approached (first problem) for a dance, she accepted, and then later expressed a total fear that she had had during her dance with the male dancer, fear that he would actually injure her. I was not at this particular milonga but we spent time processing her feelings about the event afterwards.
This instance would be a Thank You right away for me. If your body is contracting, if you feel fearful, if you feel that you will be hurt in some way, this is a dangerous dance. Thank you.
Reason #3
Creepy, inappropriate behavior
Yes, creepy and inappropriate behavior does exist. Creepy, inappropriate behavior can take many appearances and I really don’t want to scare people away from tango but I want to encourage dancers to know that any behavior that feels “wrong”, no matter what the environment, is probably wrong for you. Say “thank you” and walk away please.
And saying “thank you” to creepy behavior seems creepy in itself!!!
Summary
So in summary, it is important to watch the dance floor, to “do your homework.” If you see a woman walk off the floor from dancing mid tanda with someone, you look for who she was dancing with.
I remember at a milonga in Buenos Aires, I was sitting at a table watching the dance floor. One of the other women at my table casually stated “who was she dancing with?” as her eyes and head were tracking a woman exiting the dance floor. We all, (the rest of the table and more) as if called to attention, were looking for the gentleman who was “thank you’d”. The rejection sends a message to the other dancers watching that if you take a chance to dance with that person, it is really on you.
It is important to watch the dance floor no matter what. You are looking for whom you are interested in dancing with. Not just that they are dressed nicely or are pretty sexy or handsome but how do they dance, how do they accept a dance, how do they offer a dance, what is their particular style. Do you like it? This is probably less effective in smaller communities where you see the same people every week at the milongas, but in Buenos Aires this is key and if you’re traveling to a new community I think it’s essential as well.
And finally, in smaller communities, I know, it’s difficult to say no to a dance. It is difficult to reject someone and we want to protect ourselves from judgement. But I also then call on organizers (again) and local teachers, as we are viewed as leaders in communities, to be aware of possible new people who may have literally just wandered off the street, or who may display behavior that could be harmful on the dance floor. And then speak up.
We must ALL be invested in our community in order for it to prosper.
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